refection's

looking at the stars remind me of past childhood memories. but remembering that these memories were engraved to my heart, holding them dearly all along not being able to feel the sadness, it's been too long, the memories stay but the feelings is gone.
by: me


no matter if i was happy,sad crying, board, or felt a pain in me, i starred at the stars, and looking back now, i had that flash back, but this time i didn't feel the pain or sadness i use to have, as years pass they pass by too and soon it's numb, nothing do i ever feel again.

hey i just found out that A) i am suffering from bipolar or B) bipolar II i think it's properly bipolar II.
2 weeks i have been feeling sooo dizzy, almost about to faint, but luckily i don't, i hope  by the time i go to school i don't feel the same cuz i'd be died, i need all that energy to go to class.... and i hope the stupid chest pains don't kick in too, that be even worse ):

but like i say rather i die for good, or i live and not make such a big problem to anyone, it's getting to be repeating, all i ever think about are the same things i can't get over with 7 years ago and still each and every year i think about it lots, it has invade like 50% of my brain, poor brain, and all it about is me being soo stupid and useless, and 7years i still have not found out my existence in life, if i still haven't found the answer to that in 2 years, i'd shoot myself or something. no one get's what kinds that really exist in my life, to put it into easier words, i'm not a normal human, and i don;t have a normal well efficient brain...  it doesn't work normally and it doesn't do the simple things its suppose to be capable with ... but really who cares, no one cares and i wont either, its like a state of dead end. if my mother can call me "insane and crazy" then yes u might have a guess in what it's like. and besides my brain other parts of my body(myself) don't work as normal as well ); but i am lucky that i can walk, so i always wanted to cut my leg off or something to give it to someone that's in need of one.

blue blood

may be after all i'm not cold blooded, i thought i was, there was a point in life when nothing mattered, and my feelings in me swept away, cuz it felt like everything was gone and hope was lost. but after all i had feelings cuz i miss you. i might just just be messing around with my brain, it so confusing. sometimes there are 2 thing that go on my mind and they can be soo weird afterwards, i try not to think about it, but then when i do the other one pops up. why are my feelings so easy like folding a paper airplane...

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i really hope that my friend didn't burst out anything i said to him, or he said to me,it suppose to be top secret and not that i don't trust him, but he said he will "try to not say" but i want him to be zipped mouth shut for real, so if he did then guess what, i'll have to cut myself and of course to prove that i did cut myself evidence is needed, well i guess in this situation pain and violence does  solve problems. can any one tell me how hard do u need to cut, cuz it seems like it never works when i do it....... -___-;;;

to my beloved's

just when i saw the pv once again and herd the song once more, i thought of something i wanted to tell you guyz, but i know there is no way i can do such a thing. you and me are soo far away from each other, two other worlds. but i wanted to say was, " you can change how u think of visual kei, interpret the fashion and trend to what u think it means and is, people like you can shine brighter once more and make an awesome change, you all look the same. new bands old bands all copy each other, there is almost no disctingion between you all." i love you but when i look at you then i look at them i get a feeling of upset.

music to death

i just found out one of the things that can bring a deeper isolation is music. not just listen to music in general, but the type and stuffs, hard metal rock and all that kinda stuffs bring to isolation and selfishness, cuz your so competent with yourself. and guess what i love love love my music on full blast, not sure why just do, that when i feel invisible, i can walk by a hall way and feel no one and no one can see me. and just when i thought i liked rock becuz of other influences, it was just myself all along. it's such a habit listening to songs all the time, do it everywhere anytime, just when i have the time i bring it out. know only if i can share it with my friends, but no... they don't like the songs i like, and funny i listen to a wide variates of songs, in language and genera. how can someone not find one song they like from my song list... ): oh well I'll get to practise some selfishness and listen to it myself. i might just have a feeling soon enough i will be soo self fish and alone. but that doesn't matter, i mean I've been a bad bad girl, well I've always been. very rebellious.

usless

i was going to type out, what i wanted to say for the day, but somehow i didn't felt like it after logging on...weird
well life to me is so freakin annoying, i just want to get it over with live it and die. end of story...


by the way if anyone plays gaia this would be my dream avi, but i am far, away from this one, don't have enough gold..... sigh

24hours

photo taken by: me

god being the only one eyes wide and mind oped 24hours.

the only one that choose to listen to you carefully, the only one that want to listen to the deepest parts of your soul... sadly u can't see him only he can...

only if in realy human forme someone would gadly do the same thing... ):

darken sight

photo taken by: me

day's just seem to be more grey and dark day by day....

try-n to break through the problems ahead, but when i'm face to face with them, it's not just a matter of go against it, it's also if you can break them down.

one hammer smash wont work, then you go for a second, when that doesn't work you try for a thrid, but by the time you do you'r third, you feel so tired and annoyed. and right now i want to give up once agian... i can't seem to be capable for helping myself get back up and into the game, and if i can't, neither can anyone.

so i guess the emo sad littel moonchild girl is back agian, aiya.... vat can i dooooooooo?