music stor

today i went shopping, not in the boaring malls but out on the street, walked 2blocks for 2/1/2 hours. there's many fancy cute stylish things. home decor, clothing brands you can't find in malls and a lot of accesories. the day was okay didn't eat for 7hours cuz my mother promised to eat with us, but then she came late to pick us up and she was really pissed off so we ended up not eatting plus i got soar legs so i sate in the car when my mom and sis went to look at a stor that had closing sale. so i slept a bit in the car looking at ppl walking by. i saw a mother and child walk by going to a community center and as time passed i see them walking out so i figuered the girl finished her class, when i checked the time, they took 45min in that shop already, i waited some more, finaly got so pissed cuz i was hungry. well we ended up buying dinner.

so yea i walked into a music stor today, first time in my life, it's not like HMV, it has vinal,(lots of that) old old old arcade machines, and cd's(no duh) well it was an intereasting stor, it was big, you would feel so forne in there, well i did cuz i thought i listen to many kinds of songs and singers, but u look at all the cd's and stuffs they have you wont know even 80% of the things there. well i thought i would find chrsitina agulairas back to basic, but no, they had none of her cd's and as i looked more the only new pop singers they have are lady gaga and a lot of adel, and some new country female singers... sigh*

wonderful food

this was my breakfast i made. tomato grilled cheese sandwich, it was soo yummy, so that's why i posted this up.

now my lunch, made this myself all so. fried rice, i put 1egg, some meat, chopped ginger and some sauce. the great thing is you add no salt, and every time i cook, i try to add no salt of little salt, cuz the other ingredients or sauces have salt already, so if you mixed it well, the dish should be salty enough. :D by the way this dish is sweet and sour, really Asian.

turn it up

dis is my new ifrogz toxix pink headphones!!!!!!
i love them so much, they also act as speakers and so far i've been liking it, so comfy and the sound quality is awesome. now i know how clumsy i can get, so i hope i don't break them soon, in till i get a job then it wont mind as much.

by the way next year i might be having a job yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, finally my mother lets me, and i really need the money so i can save up and spend with out being worried. well for now the opportunities i have are, my fav art store Micheal's and my fav i just love this place, marble slab, they've got some of the best ice cream for a reasonable price. so i hope by the time i apply eeither place has a spot for me. hope all this does not interfere with school ):

you hurt me so much when all i ever did was love you

"I could feel it from the start,
Couldn't stand to be apart."
 what about now, aren't you apart.

"Don't know what you did boy but
You had it and I've been hooked ever since."
your all over it, the heat has grown cold.
"Everytime I see you everything starts making sense."

did it make sense for you to break up with him?

"You got what I want boy, and I want it!
So keep on givin' it up!"

not now has he given anything to you, but u gave him a son.

"And I've been hurt so many times before,
That my hope was dying, so sick of trying"

you've been hurt too many times, let's add this one to the list, you might be out of luck in love, but with music it can always give you hope.

"And there's no way to lie to you, you know me better than I do"

girl think again, i think not

"Time went on, and I was wrong
To keep my distance for so long.
So afraid, you wouldn't stay
But you never turned away"

what about now, you broke up with him not too soon when you just had a baby. there was a reason for you putting your distance away, and i would know why, but with me i wouldn't make my wall easy to climb, i wouldn't let my door be wide open.

"So don't you ever go away
I could never face
Losing you would kill my faith"

you got through without him, cuz you had music.


 "I couldn't breathe without you here
What kind of world
Would I see without you
I can't dream without you here"

wishes do come true, and wish has been granted, how does it feel now, can you breath, live and see?

"Promise me we'll always stay
The way we are today"

a promise is a promise and one of you broke it. this is why i always say a paper with 2 names written on it means nothing, you can bend the rules to this one easily.

"Cuz some guys have shown me aces
But you've got that royal flush
I know it's crazy everyday"

it's not that craxy after all, you got ride of the person that use to have the roaly flush, but now he's a trash.
"But you've broken all my walls"

yes he has, how long will it be intill you build your walls back up. i'm pretty sure i have many walls undercover, so ppl bring it on.

 

fridge story

As I walk out of the kitchen. Holding onto a vanilla drum stick I sit down right next to my mom watching TV.

Mom: can I have one.

Me: get it yourself.

Mom: fine whatever, I’ll be healthy and not eat one.

Me: good girl

Me: lick lick*

Mom: hey!..can I have one bite?

Me: no way

Mom: plz

Me: if u take one bite then I’ll eat 2 drumsticks

Mom: go ahead

Me: neh

Mom: I just wanted to try what the vanilla taste likes.

Me: oh this one is chocolate (lying)

Mom: no I ate the chocolate yesterday

Me: well this is the chocolate one

Me: lick lick*

Me: oh god it’s cold…

my joke of the day

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

(well if u didn't get the last part, the father thinks she's in heaven)

fridg

today i had a chocolate chess cake, and by the way i am eating while i'm making this post. sometimes i just really like the feeling of opening the fridge and just easily pick out a comfort food, or sweets, and it does cheer you up and make you feel better. (i have food addiction) that's what its like when i feel sad and alone(like right now) just want to garb some food and eat it, like ice cream cake cereal and my hand cooked pop corn. i really actually make my pop corn the old style way, so that a) don't need to use the microwave, by the way i haven't really used one, b) no wasting money on a pop corn maker, waste space and money. my pop corn is way better then what my mom makes and sometimes the theater, cuz i take time to make it so that every seed is popped well, and when you chuck a handful into your mouth you don't eat any hard stuffs left over from not having the seeds popped well. i can call my self a pop corn mater at my house. my mom's still the cook master and bake master. even the chiefs that  cook in grand hotels love my mothers pork chop and mango pudding. you go to a pot luck leave the pudding on the table, less then 5min it's all gone and 10min later they ask for the recipe, then months after, they say : i can't make it look and taste as the same as yours!!

but then i have this question, if u are suffering from depression or bipolar, do u feel more likely to eat, or not eat as much, or can it be both at the same time? cuz i think i have a mix of both which i find funny....

refection's

looking at the stars remind me of past childhood memories. but remembering that these memories were engraved to my heart, holding them dearly all along not being able to feel the sadness, it's been too long, the memories stay but the feelings is gone.
by: me


no matter if i was happy,sad crying, board, or felt a pain in me, i starred at the stars, and looking back now, i had that flash back, but this time i didn't feel the pain or sadness i use to have, as years pass they pass by too and soon it's numb, nothing do i ever feel again.

hey i just found out that A) i am suffering from bipolar or B) bipolar II i think it's properly bipolar II.
2 weeks i have been feeling sooo dizzy, almost about to faint, but luckily i don't, i hope  by the time i go to school i don't feel the same cuz i'd be died, i need all that energy to go to class.... and i hope the stupid chest pains don't kick in too, that be even worse ):

but like i say rather i die for good, or i live and not make such a big problem to anyone, it's getting to be repeating, all i ever think about are the same things i can't get over with 7 years ago and still each and every year i think about it lots, it has invade like 50% of my brain, poor brain, and all it about is me being soo stupid and useless, and 7years i still have not found out my existence in life, if i still haven't found the answer to that in 2 years, i'd shoot myself or something. no one get's what kinds that really exist in my life, to put it into easier words, i'm not a normal human, and i don;t have a normal well efficient brain...  it doesn't work normally and it doesn't do the simple things its suppose to be capable with ... but really who cares, no one cares and i wont either, its like a state of dead end. if my mother can call me "insane and crazy" then yes u might have a guess in what it's like. and besides my brain other parts of my body(myself) don't work as normal as well ); but i am lucky that i can walk, so i always wanted to cut my leg off or something to give it to someone that's in need of one.

blue blood

may be after all i'm not cold blooded, i thought i was, there was a point in life when nothing mattered, and my feelings in me swept away, cuz it felt like everything was gone and hope was lost. but after all i had feelings cuz i miss you. i might just just be messing around with my brain, it so confusing. sometimes there are 2 thing that go on my mind and they can be soo weird afterwards, i try not to think about it, but then when i do the other one pops up. why are my feelings so easy like folding a paper airplane...

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i really hope that my friend didn't burst out anything i said to him, or he said to me,it suppose to be top secret and not that i don't trust him, but he said he will "try to not say" but i want him to be zipped mouth shut for real, so if he did then guess what, i'll have to cut myself and of course to prove that i did cut myself evidence is needed, well i guess in this situation pain and violence does  solve problems. can any one tell me how hard do u need to cut, cuz it seems like it never works when i do it....... -___-;;;

to my beloved's

just when i saw the pv once again and herd the song once more, i thought of something i wanted to tell you guyz, but i know there is no way i can do such a thing. you and me are soo far away from each other, two other worlds. but i wanted to say was, " you can change how u think of visual kei, interpret the fashion and trend to what u think it means and is, people like you can shine brighter once more and make an awesome change, you all look the same. new bands old bands all copy each other, there is almost no disctingion between you all." i love you but when i look at you then i look at them i get a feeling of upset.

music to death

i just found out one of the things that can bring a deeper isolation is music. not just listen to music in general, but the type and stuffs, hard metal rock and all that kinda stuffs bring to isolation and selfishness, cuz your so competent with yourself. and guess what i love love love my music on full blast, not sure why just do, that when i feel invisible, i can walk by a hall way and feel no one and no one can see me. and just when i thought i liked rock becuz of other influences, it was just myself all along. it's such a habit listening to songs all the time, do it everywhere anytime, just when i have the time i bring it out. know only if i can share it with my friends, but no... they don't like the songs i like, and funny i listen to a wide variates of songs, in language and genera. how can someone not find one song they like from my song list... ): oh well I'll get to practise some selfishness and listen to it myself. i might just have a feeling soon enough i will be soo self fish and alone. but that doesn't matter, i mean I've been a bad bad girl, well I've always been. very rebellious.

usless

i was going to type out, what i wanted to say for the day, but somehow i didn't felt like it after logging on...weird
well life to me is so freakin annoying, i just want to get it over with live it and die. end of story...


by the way if anyone plays gaia this would be my dream avi, but i am far, away from this one, don't have enough gold..... sigh

24hours

photo taken by: me

god being the only one eyes wide and mind oped 24hours.

the only one that choose to listen to you carefully, the only one that want to listen to the deepest parts of your soul... sadly u can't see him only he can...

only if in realy human forme someone would gadly do the same thing... ):

darken sight

photo taken by: me

day's just seem to be more grey and dark day by day....

try-n to break through the problems ahead, but when i'm face to face with them, it's not just a matter of go against it, it's also if you can break them down.

one hammer smash wont work, then you go for a second, when that doesn't work you try for a thrid, but by the time you do you'r third, you feel so tired and annoyed. and right now i want to give up once agian... i can't seem to be capable for helping myself get back up and into the game, and if i can't, neither can anyone.

so i guess the emo sad littel moonchild girl is back agian, aiya.... vat can i dooooooooo?



tonight and wonderland (janice)

hope you enjoy it comment and rate on the vid thanx

i'm all of what u have just mentioned (todays not my day)

yea, like no kidding.... i have changed in a bad way, more negative, cry a lot, act stupid, careless....

my mothers like your so stupid and unconsidered, yea okay like if i did'n no that.... and then she says i am careless and selfish, yes that too i may be selfish but not as much as the ppl i'm around with. and yes i was careless the day i was born.

yes just when i use to think that dreaming about things that might not happen is stupid, i am wrong, i have found out the more you dream about it and hope for it, it will sure come to you... keep on dreaming little girl.

keep it up and stay happy

YOUR SMILE

Show me your smile
Show me real love
Hikari demo kage demo nai
Show me your smile
Show me real love
Mirai ja nai kako demo nai

Kuroi sora kodoku na tsukiakari
Mou mayowanai
Sagashite ita sekai mitsuketa kara

You are looking the wrong way
You feel that you are not enough
Sabishii me de nani wo motomete
You can find your true self
It can't wait to come to life
Let go the pressure
Imi ga nai

This is the singer i love the most, signs any kind of rock, a lot of English lyrics, and there not always about love, which i love

out of jail

finely i am out of that stupid dinner with a bunch of stupid ppl... more like my enemies, bullies and aunties that think they're so smart... what i have to suffer this like2-3 times a year. ); forced to go... this is like the last time i will go, even though there are 2 more stupid dinners with them thus year... y would i even eat dinner with a bun ch of ppl that bully me... so painful, i don't even speak when i go there, every time i go there i don't even feel like eating. this time once i walked into the house my legs went freezing cooled then it was shaking );..... plz save me
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if any one has any great bands to introduce to me plz do, i need a new band to replace superchick, cuz I'm not aloud to listen to them anymore....

where can you find.....

so today while i was standing at the parking lot, waiting for pick up, i saw 2 couples, the guy wanting to break up with the girl. i see them everyday, so sweet and cute together, but when i was standing there, i felt the pain of the girl, she was grabbing on the guys arm really hard but every time the guy would pushed it away. from what i herd the guy must have misunderstood, or was just not trusting the girl, only becuz she was covering up something. so is this one of the big and easy ways a guy would try to get rid of a girl, they do it all the time when maybe they get annoyed with the girl or they see another one. this may not be the case but thats how i see it. she already told him she did not cover up but the guy would not listen..... and i think, maybe there really is no true love in this world, and love being one of the great things god has given us. not only that, but u don't find genuine affection through anyone, all heartless and cold blooded to other ppl, besides the one they love and things they enjoy. and then after they both run off, i see a double date.... weird......

2 stories, 2 sides to it (insulant )

i herd 2 stories this week almost about the same things, they have different sides to it. they were both about insulant....
 one i herd today was a guy that had diabetes(i think) and he will have to inject insulant as medication. i felt bad knowing that he can't eat as normal as the rest of us and that he would have bruises from having 8 injections a day ): well he had a positive view to this, he said that " i ate healthy foods like whole grain breads, and also it made the ppl around him being aware of what they eat too" that was good for me to learn from him...

the second one is my friends cute little baby "Spencer(guinea pig)"  he has a common disease that most guinea pigs will get, a lack of vitemine "C" which was almost impossible, and it had to do the same thing too take medication and coast $500 for every thing. well as i saw it take it's med, i felt bad for the little guy, it shook it's head around not wanting to take it...... after that we gave him sweet orange and he was eating really really fast nibbling on it, and when my friend pulled it away from him, he still garbed on to the orange not wanting to let go.(hope it get well soon) now all i think that effects him to be like that is the area he is in, the whole family is just in a bad situation right now and having one family member begging to emotional to things can be big effect. today once again i saw her cry, i felt so sad for her, but good for her still being able to deal with all the problems she is facing.
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this week I've been so happy, i was trying to think different, now even though i'm not aloud to listen to superchicks any more, i was still able to go through with no problem, now all i have to do is keep this up. one song says "happiness is free if u want it to be" and all i have to do is think right, not just try to be positive but have everything go well..... AND BEING HAPPY makes my life so joyful and everything i do i had a bit more energy, even though i half fainted today :P

walking by(photo's)

the guitar one is my art work<3

a page i liked from someones art book

he's just the cutest thing ever

move ahead

nothing in this world is ever reserved for me, i have to go own it myself.

world without you

today i just had a flash back of all those old times when i was bulled, i never rememberer that i was actually bulled that much. i was already bulled when i started grade one.... sigh, and i remember thinking to myself that no one cared, all cold blooded, i tried to tell some friends about it, but they went on playing ): i get bulled for almost every thing, but it doesn't really matter any more..... what matters is now, but doesn't seem like i have anything to make me move on, cuz i'm so miserable, and to stop having people make me remember about all the sad things.... i'll be ISOlating myself.... i do that a lot, it's not like it's that bad, my whole life i felt that way already.......

may and june calender

i guess i am fussing around about ppl, this is my longest rant lolz

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butterfly

graceful butterfly's, if only i can learn to be as peaceful and calm like them. i'm already trying to hide away from the people that try to bother me, but then my heart and mind just get's really frustrated and annoyed. 2 cups of coffee a day, not good . just when can they leave me alone, i already made a fool of myself.

shine through the pain (yellow

it's so sunny today, and that makes me very happy. only if it was like this everyday

one okay rock* ppsh

君に会いたいと思ったときに会えなくても
声が聞きたいと思ったときに聞けなくても
仲間や親という大切な人がいるから
なんだってできるのさ固い壁も打ち砕く

だけどそこまで僕は強くないんだ
君の気持ちと僕の携帯が動き出すのを待ってる

Please Please Stay Here Oh
いつでもeveryday I miss you oh my baby


Translation
I cant meet you at the time you wanted to,
Even when you wanted to hear my voice and not only listen,
Parents are important people
they can destroy walls if they choose

I'm strong but we're far
Waiting,watching my phone still having feelings for you,

Please Please Stay Here Oh
Anytime everyday I miss you oh my bab

bluez

my blue page, my fav colour and feeling of the day

only sunny side up!

i only want to see the sun
see the light
see the big blue sky
it seems all the happier when you see those things

i want to go visit the ocean
tell it all my secrets
pains and tears
have that all float away to the other side of the world

i want to see the good things
happy things
joyful things
but all i see is a dark road

i push the walls away hoping to find the beautiful garden
no matter how hard i push it keeps coming back
the walls read:
i want to make you suffer, i want you to go away from god
darkness will only keep coming back for you

okay why not i die, good enough
it be a bad idea to hide away from all the things i face
but then i'm just a un-patient little girl

where is home?

a loving mother and father
they are so nice and good to you...
they take the time to teach you...

but most of the time they are not home...
when i was little i hate it, felt so sad and cried about it
most days parents where not home
and that was when i turned 6
it was only me and my sister...

as i got a bit older my mother would not be home at night
i would watch tv or play by myself
i was scared of the dark
it felt boring
and when u wake up the next morning u see here there and then she leaves
soon i got so used to it, some days i will hate it but now i don't even want her at home
i want to be home alone staring at the computer and not knowing what to do

doesn't feel like home
no one to talk to
when u want to chat about it no one does
i do get that no one will get what I'm saying and they don't want to talk about it
but at the same time they talk about other stuffs, i don;t want to talk about
i just wanted one minute of attention just all for myself
doesn't seem like I'll have it

soon enough u will here me say that my parents are dead......................

what u think and what it is

my mind is colorful
my life is grey.

you say u make an ocean
but u really only made a puddle
i never seem to have done it be4
but really it was a flood

i helped you, i saved you
i can't ever seem to find an answer to my problems

u feel better and lighter
i feel more down and alone

i say a million words to u
u only say one to me

theres always a way out
but i can't find one for myself

your so happy
i hide it

your my friend so i will shut up
but sometimes u piss me off

you go first, i'll listen
it was always you first

keep silent
i want to burst it out

_______________________________

sometimes i wonder if anyone even get's what i am writing i think not. i wish someone understood me ): if someone does pleas reply. or maybe i don't even no what i am doing. maybe the walls don't even get me. maybe i'm not even human. then what am i?
where do i belong? where is the land that i can stand on? when will get back together and pull through all this? me AND my trashed life.........

365, how many days are you loved

365 days and 8 765.8 hours how many of those times do u feel that u were loved or cared for? or how many times do u feel down and sad. how many times have you thought of suiciding? maybe really little out of the 365 days and 8765 hours. u can't really tell if people cared about u or tried to help u, maybe they have but u just don't feel it. but if the truth is no one cared then i hope you never think of suiciding, it's a pain to feel that way, and that never means u are emo or u can screw up the rest of your life. if u think about it u could be here for a reason, find and seek for it. thinking about how to die is not that helpful why not think about happy positive things. happiness comes from inner self and not what people do for you and give you. no one els but you can give you the joy and successfulness in life. what u think and do is the main way of how you think. you don't have to do great things to be great or liked by others. little acts of kindness and standing up for another is one of the best ways. most of the time i don't find my school friends that caring or kind enough to give a hand but even so i help them in the best way i can, because i can't seem to find ways that i can help myself, i help others just to feel happy and successful in doing something good and positive. i hope that all the kind things i do for them they can feel and see that i am always there for them no matter what. if u feel like an idiot or crappy about your life, help other people and make them stand strong, at leas another life can be saved.

this is a song i really like that relates to this post, check the lyrics out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zahDidE78rw

sooo me :D

i am not sure if u can see the pic but thats what i am inside.
i am the color blue, the animal owl, live in the year of 1970, i would be the base of the cheerleader lifting ppl up, i have compassion for ppl, but is also the dumb bitch and sad all the time. my tattoo is a star, i shine inside and outside. my life can be hard but no one knows it, i keep all inside, i would love to tell someone but no one to turn to, because ppl turn to me for help. i am desperately dieing inside, crying out blood inside, if u get what i mean, from the day i was born my life was hard and it will never leave me alone, i pray for help, maybe one day it can be better.

creator for a purpose

there is a creator, a creator that has purpose, a purpose for all humankind to be alive. I always wounder why i was brought here, i don't really see what good i am doing, more like a waste of time. I try to find a more purposeful life, but then i am too lazy to do anything good, all i do is eat, sleep, and try to finish all my must do list, which is basically study and homework. I feel ashamed for all this, i want to do something more purposeful and encouraging, and not be a computer or music addict. But at the same time i try to help anyone in need, when they are sad and down, or just ask for help. lately i had a friend that fell in love with this girl for maybe all most half a year, and every day on msn a listen to him cry, ask me for Q, and Mon.... a trouble guy. All he thinks of is her and nothing els, omg and at the same time he wants to fix the problem but he can't fix it. sometimes i just have to roll my eyes at him.

If anyone ever felt like me,i wish you all for a better and brighter day, and make it more enjoyable.